Huge Goofy Dork

Some days, my Indonesian language skills are woefully inadequate for the conversations I'm having.  Okay, most days.  Ugh!  I wish there was a way to transplant what I actually mean into the brains of the people I'm conversing with...or that I'd wake up with a miraculously improved Indonesian vocabulary that would flow from my mouth freely, elegantly, and perfectly pronounced.  That'd work too.  As it is, I blubber along, feeling like a huge goofy dork.  Because I am.  There's really no getting around this.

Granted, I am suddenly having deeper conversations on subjects I've never spoken of in Indonesian before.  I should be happy that things are going deeper, that I'm being allowed into a deeper level of knowing and connection with my Indonesian friends.  But instead, I just feel dorky.  They are pouring out their hearts and I'm saying things like "Well, that's hard."  or "I don't know." or "What does that mean?" or "How sad!" or  (and I use this one a lot) "Hmmm."  

Four years of living in this country and I know just enough now to get myself into trouble.  I typically understand what is being said, but I still have no real way to process it or throw the ball back. I nod, I commiserate but what can I say?  Not much.

I back myself into corners, too. I get about one third of the way into a story or statement and realize I'm out of words.  I don't know how to say what I want to say.  So then it comes out something like the following:
"Oh, that reminds me of the funniest story!  When I was young we went to...uh, what is it called?  It's this place where you...uh do the.... what is it called?  And you...uh what is that word?  I've never used this word in Indonesian.  In English we say...well, you probably don't know.  Okay, so it's kind of like a ....uh...well, I don't know what the word for that is either.  So anyway we went to... It's a funny story.  I just... well, you see we went...uh.  To a place.  And something happened.  It was so funny! {insert blank stare, awkward silence, and nervous chuckle}...... Nevermind."

See?  Huge, goofy dork.

I love that I'm here to listen, though.  If I can be a safe place where stories can be told, marginally understood, given the proper expressions of sorrow, shock, or humor, and never be repeated again (because I can't) then I guess that's good.  And I can pray.

So, the huge, goofy dork I will be.