The Roller Coaster That Is My Ride This Week

Not a roller coaster.  Just Brooklyn and one of our Indonesian MAF staff taking a quick boat ride at sunset.

If there's one thing I've learned, its that life is full of ups and downs, bitters and sweets, incongruities and inconsistencies.  Now multiply that by 1,000 and you have missionary life in a nutshell.  I'm learning to be okay with all the mixed emotions constantly ebbing and flowing in my heart - the longing for other places, the love for where I am, the gut-wrenching loss of time with family, the thrill of new friends becoming like family, the dream of leading a life following hard after Jesus, the tears that come as I count the cost.

Right now, I'm a wreck.  Full of emotions that I expected and other emotions that have taken me off guard. I want to go.  Yesterday.  And I also want to...stay?

I absolutely love that we are going "home" to Colorado.  There just aren't words that express the kind of excitement I feel about our upcoming furlough.  We haven't seen any of our family for two years, except through pixelated, jerky video conferences.  I'm anxious to get my arms around their necks, to linger with them over coffee, to see my girls enjoy their interactions with their grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins.  Six months barely feels like a long enough time together and I've no doubt that it will end all too quickly.

And that's just it.  It will end.  And I grieve already if I allow myself to think about it.  So, I don't.  I think about sledding trips and sleepovers, eating food we've missed for years (here's looking at you Holy San Luis Valley Mexican Food), going shopping...a lot.  I think about camping in my beloved Rockies, trips to New Mexico just because we can, English worship services, and fitting in.  I dream of the many, many, many blessed moments that I plan on collecting over the next 6 months with loved ones that have sacrificed just as much as we have, if not more.

Then there's the leaving of our home here.  I'm sad, if I'm honest.  Imagine taking a six-month hiatus from your life, pushing pause on all your work, your relationships, your goals, your dreams - that is what furlough is.  It's both absolutely necessary and horribly inconvenient.  I am only just now getting to know my neighbors. As we make plans to get together, I realize the time is short, nearly gone.  And things were just getting so good.  Our girls say good-bye to their friends after a play-date and I'm wondering, "Will they ever play this well together again?"  Our cat came back pregnant and my girls will miss the wonder of kittens. Ugh.  I just don't want all this good stuff to end.

But we are coming back!  And I'm so excited to come back.  All these relationships we're pushing pause on will wait for us and, Lord willing, we can pick back up where we left off.  We can enjoy the fun of re-uniting and handing out our little souvenirs from the U.S. to our friends here.  We can ease back into the life we live here and see new ministry opportunities take flight and be a part of an exciting transition for MAF in Palangkaraya. I'll have new treasures to feather my nest with, and a fresh set of eyes that have been renewed by the rest and joy of being with loved ones in my home country.  We'll have clothes that don't look quite so "missionary" and a whole suitcase full of treats to dole out on the hard days.  It will be good to come back.

I'm so excited I can't breathe for the "hellos" but breathless with dread for the "good-byes" to come.  On both sides of the pond I'm a hopeless wreck.  It's a roller coaster ride, and I don't really know how to describe it.  It's my life.  And I love it.