On priorities, letting go, and abiding
It's hard to believe we've almost lived in Indonesia for three years. In some ways, it has become a pretty ordinary life. Things that once shocked me now barely register a blip on my radar. I was trying to think of some examples for you but found I had to think a good long time to come up with anything! That is how normal life here has become - I can't even recognize the things that, for this Colorado Mountain Girl, weren't normal 3 years ago. You know - things like taking your shoes off before going into people's houses to have important documents notarized. Or unloading an airplane engine from the back of a dump truck using nothing but manpower and 2x4's. Or seeing all manner of objects transported on scooters - refrigerators, chickens, 5-6 people, rebar, lumber, food carts, bicycles, fans, jerry cans full of gasoline, propane tanks, monstrous bags full of rice cakes. On any given day, I see about 20 different things that I never knew could happen just three short years ago, and I know I'm getting pretty accustomed to life here when I don't even blink.
All that to say, though, even as this life becomes more and more normal, I find myself more and more tired and my energy lagging. My brain is still trying to make sense of the world around me. It is more on a subconscious level, but it is still happening. And perhaps this new kind of weariness I feel is all part of that subconscious struggle to make sense of a crazy world, of fighting my way through each day full of cultural stresses, language blunders, needy kids, and just plain old HOT weather. It used to be so obvious to me that I was in this daily struggle. Now, I don't see it as easily and I find myself just tired - and frustrated because I can't understand why.
After our Family Conference, I really had to pray hard about how to maintain my energy until our furlough starts in early 2014. Sean did too. We were both feeling exhausted from life and ready to burn out. This happens. It is a regular, real "hazard" of ministry. The demands keep coming and you get so caught up in the excitement of new opportunities that you forget that you need to rest or say "no" once in a while and next thing you know, you are a weary, useless puddle on the floor. When the ministry takes over your life and God seems distant, you know your priorities got mixed up somewhere. It's so easy to get there!
We learned a beautiful analogy at Family Conference. Imagine yourself as a tea cup. Beneath that teacup is a saucer (your family) and beneath that saucer is a plate (ministry). God, is the pitcher or teapot above, pouring into our cup. The idea is that we stay beneath that flow from above and allow it to fill us up, then overflow onto our saucer, and then onto the plate. This is the way it should be - but then things happen and we place that ministry at the top, over the tea cup, and the flow to us stops. Or we place our family in the way. Or we see a need and veer out of the flow altogether. Or we shut down and turn our tea cup upside down. There are endless scenarios that cause us to miss out on the flow of God's blessing, strength, and abundance in our life. We have to learn to keep things straight! We have to abide in Christ and serve Him out of the overflow. It really is all about Him anyway. Him and us.
God impressed on me that my saucer, at this season of life, is pretty big. My family needs me - they need me to stock up on groceries and keep healthy food on the table. They need me to keep the house in order and a safe haven of rest from all the craziness going on out there. They need me to teach math and reading and history and science and all about God. They need me healthy, happy, and thriving - not haggard, listless, and grumpy! With all this need at home, there isn't much left over to flow over onto that ministry plate. Indeed, my ministry plate happens to also be my family plate!
So, after a lot of prayer and hard thinking and discussion with my teammate who also taught at English Club, I did something that was very, very hard for me. I let it go. We stopped doing English Club for a while. In all reality, I have no business trying to do English Club at the same time I'm trying to homeschool three girls. It's just too much - especially right now with all my cultural weariness and a body that is just DONE with all the heat and humidity. It was the most difficult decision I've made in a very long time but when I finally listened to the Lord's prodding to let it go, I felt a huge rush of relief. I was allowing that ministry to take priority over my relationship with God and my family. I was putting the proverbial cart before the horse. It feels good to have things back as they should be. I'm still mentally and physically tired (though we are taking steps in the right direction to cure that too, or at least to get us to the real rest that furlough will hopefully offer us) but I am no longer spiritually weary. Beautiful!
My hope is that someday, we can resume English Club - perhaps during a break from homeschool this summer. But if not, I'm okay with that too. I'm in a special season as a homeschooling mommy right now and I don't want to miss it! Because, really, I LOVE homeschooling my girls and it is a great joy - something that will surely speed by faster than I'm ready for. We want our family to thrive on the mission field (and really, we are) and that means protecting our rest, sanity, time, and energy. It means saying no a little more often so that we can be here long-term. It means letting go of high expectations and taking each season as it comes. I don't doubt that someday, I'll have all the time in the world to do the kind of volunteering and ministry that I'd love to do. Truth is, if I really think about it, I'm doing a ministry right now that was also once a big dream of mine - being a homeschooling Mommy! It's just icing on the cake that I also get to do that while living and supporting my husband as we serve together in a vital aviation ministry in a foreign country.
All that to say, though, even as this life becomes more and more normal, I find myself more and more tired and my energy lagging. My brain is still trying to make sense of the world around me. It is more on a subconscious level, but it is still happening. And perhaps this new kind of weariness I feel is all part of that subconscious struggle to make sense of a crazy world, of fighting my way through each day full of cultural stresses, language blunders, needy kids, and just plain old HOT weather. It used to be so obvious to me that I was in this daily struggle. Now, I don't see it as easily and I find myself just tired - and frustrated because I can't understand why.
After our Family Conference, I really had to pray hard about how to maintain my energy until our furlough starts in early 2014. Sean did too. We were both feeling exhausted from life and ready to burn out. This happens. It is a regular, real "hazard" of ministry. The demands keep coming and you get so caught up in the excitement of new opportunities that you forget that you need to rest or say "no" once in a while and next thing you know, you are a weary, useless puddle on the floor. When the ministry takes over your life and God seems distant, you know your priorities got mixed up somewhere. It's so easy to get there!
We learned a beautiful analogy at Family Conference. Imagine yourself as a tea cup. Beneath that teacup is a saucer (your family) and beneath that saucer is a plate (ministry). God, is the pitcher or teapot above, pouring into our cup. The idea is that we stay beneath that flow from above and allow it to fill us up, then overflow onto our saucer, and then onto the plate. This is the way it should be - but then things happen and we place that ministry at the top, over the tea cup, and the flow to us stops. Or we place our family in the way. Or we see a need and veer out of the flow altogether. Or we shut down and turn our tea cup upside down. There are endless scenarios that cause us to miss out on the flow of God's blessing, strength, and abundance in our life. We have to learn to keep things straight! We have to abide in Christ and serve Him out of the overflow. It really is all about Him anyway. Him and us.
God impressed on me that my saucer, at this season of life, is pretty big. My family needs me - they need me to stock up on groceries and keep healthy food on the table. They need me to keep the house in order and a safe haven of rest from all the craziness going on out there. They need me to teach math and reading and history and science and all about God. They need me healthy, happy, and thriving - not haggard, listless, and grumpy! With all this need at home, there isn't much left over to flow over onto that ministry plate. Indeed, my ministry plate happens to also be my family plate!
So, after a lot of prayer and hard thinking and discussion with my teammate who also taught at English Club, I did something that was very, very hard for me. I let it go. We stopped doing English Club for a while. In all reality, I have no business trying to do English Club at the same time I'm trying to homeschool three girls. It's just too much - especially right now with all my cultural weariness and a body that is just DONE with all the heat and humidity. It was the most difficult decision I've made in a very long time but when I finally listened to the Lord's prodding to let it go, I felt a huge rush of relief. I was allowing that ministry to take priority over my relationship with God and my family. I was putting the proverbial cart before the horse. It feels good to have things back as they should be. I'm still mentally and physically tired (though we are taking steps in the right direction to cure that too, or at least to get us to the real rest that furlough will hopefully offer us) but I am no longer spiritually weary. Beautiful!
My hope is that someday, we can resume English Club - perhaps during a break from homeschool this summer. But if not, I'm okay with that too. I'm in a special season as a homeschooling mommy right now and I don't want to miss it! Because, really, I LOVE homeschooling my girls and it is a great joy - something that will surely speed by faster than I'm ready for. We want our family to thrive on the mission field (and really, we are) and that means protecting our rest, sanity, time, and energy. It means saying no a little more often so that we can be here long-term. It means letting go of high expectations and taking each season as it comes. I don't doubt that someday, I'll have all the time in the world to do the kind of volunteering and ministry that I'd love to do. Truth is, if I really think about it, I'm doing a ministry right now that was also once a big dream of mine - being a homeschooling Mommy! It's just icing on the cake that I also get to do that while living and supporting my husband as we serve together in a vital aviation ministry in a foreign country.
I know first hand a bit of the struggles you were facing. I am so proud of you making the hard decision you have made. It is something I was never able to balance in Ecuador. You made the best choice for your family and the ministry there!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said Friend!! It was lovely meeting you at conference this year!!
ReplyDeleteAmy