I Failed You

I'm sorry about the other day.

I didn't have time for you.  I was in a rush, busy, trying to do too much at once, and, above all, calloused to your need.  

I chose to look away, to busy myself with my cell phone, texting a message that could have waited another few minutes.  I didn't want to look at your face, so I don't even know what you look like.  But I could see your outstretched hand easily enough and I could hear your words, though I chose to pretend I didn't understand your language.

Does it help at all to know, that even as I ignored you, I was thinking to myself, "Is this really what I have become?"  

No.  

In fact, it condemns me even more.  I not only ignored you, but I also ignored the Holy Spirit, who was prodding me and telling me to just. look. up. 

I was just another person on the street who didn't.  Didn't look.  Didn't answer.  Didn't stop.  

I didn't listen.  I didn't obey.  I didn't let Him use my hands to touch you, the lost and hurting woman on the street.

And I realize now, because I can't get you out of my mind, that I failed you.  I failed myself.  I failed the Christ I came here to proclaim.  

I am plagued by an unreasonable, faithless fear.  If I give a little, you will take advantage of me.  You'll see my kindness and take it for foolishness.  You'll want more.  All of it.  Until I am utterly spent.  

But these are not the promises of God.  His commandments are clear.  Take care of the widows and orphans.  Give to those in need.  If somebody asks for your cloak, give them your tunic also.  Go the extra mile.  And He promises to take care of me.  He's faithful like that.  He doesn't ask something of us that He isn't willing to provide for.  I haven't read anything in His Word that says I should guard against being too kind or too compassionate.  

So, I'm sorry.  And I hope that my calloused, unfeeling treatment of you doesn't confuse you.  Because the One we both know I represent would have done differently.  He would have stopped.  He would have touched you.  He would have looked in your eyes. And He loves you more than His own life.  He did give until He was utterly spent, and He wants with all that He is for you to take advantage of His love.  

And maybe someday I'll get my second chance.  If not with you, then with somebody else.  A chance to look up and allow Jesus to do through me what I am afraid or unwilling to do on my own.  

Lord, forgive me.  I failed You.  Soften this hard heart, and give me the strength to obey You - even when it isn't convenient or easy. You love me so well, so perfectly - help me see that You love them just as much, just as perfectly. And for that woman on the street, I pray that she sees Who You really are anyway, despite my failure to show it.