The Great Debate...or what to do with your kid in September.

Homeschooling vs. Public School has been heavy on my mind for a few years now. As Brooklyn enters those school age years, I find myself...well, freaking out.

Because Brooklyn is my oldest, she's had to be a guinea pig. She's also had to suffer through a Mom with separation anxiety and control issues. Brooklyn is the most independent and socially brave little person you ever met. I'm always trying to hold her back. It's a major cause for tension in our relationship - my need to control and her need for independence.

This summer has been a rough one for me. Brooklyn will start kindergarten in the fall. I've been on a bit of a rampage about whether or not we could send her to public school.

If I'm perfectly honest, I'll admit that with my rose-colored glasses on, I really, really, really, want to homeschool. I love the idea of being there when my child learns something new. I want to do all those fun projects. I want to see the light of understanding shine in my precious daughter's eyes. I want to cuddle and read books together all day long and feel good about myself as a mother and as a teacher.

Ha!

We did a bit of an experiment earlier this summer. I got some homeschooling materials and we did some homeschool work together. It wasn't terrible. But it wasn't what I expected it to be either. In two or three short weeks it became apparent to me that I was not self-disciplined enough to be both teacher and mommy in one day. I know many wonderful women who can do it and do it beautifully. It's just not me. As the fun began to wear off, Brooklyn and I were arguing more and more. I was weary at the thought of fitting in even just a few minutes of school. Brooklyn was doing pretty good and even learning some things...but she never stopped talking about real school - riding the school bus, going to kindergarten, and all the fun she was going to have. Mind you, I had been trying to get in her head that we were going to do school at home. I was trying to get her enthusiastic about homeschooling but, while she didn't hate our homeschool work, she seemed to know it wasn't for her. Every time I mentioned doing kindergarten here at home she just looked at me funny and said, "but what about my friends, Mommy?"

Then one week I suddenly felt released from this whole homeschooling idea. I still tried and tried to hold onto it. Sean, his usual wonderful self, was supportive and had already told me that since he wasn't the one who would be doing the teaching that this was a decision I was going to have to make and he'd support whatever decision I came to. As I poured my heart out to him one day, he quietly pointed out that my focus in all this homeschooling stuff seemed to be me and my needs, not exactly Brooklyn's best interests. The moment he said that I realized that homeschooling was my own little dream. It wasn't necessarily wrong...but was it best for Brooklyn?

We know our girl is social. She thrives with other kids. She learns by leaps and bounds when a teacher (not mom) is instructing her. She's not shy and she loves the chance to be independent. She shines in social situations. She's not fond of staying home, even with sisters to play with. No amount of social interaction that I could drum up would be enough for her in a homeschool setting.

So, we took me out of the equation. What's best for our social, active, intelligent little girl? Public school!

Yikes! I'm a Christian. And I just said that out loud? That public school is actually probably the best place for my child?

I know. It scares the living daylights out of me. But I feel deep in my heart that it's true. If we continued down this homeschooling path I already know (because I know us) what the outcome would be - a mother and daughter who are furious with one another, two other little girls feeling very neglected, and one little girl who feels so bound in by her mother that she is going to rebel with all her might.

I should note that a private Christian school, while an option in our small town, is far too expensive for us right now. And even if it weren't, we still might not feel led to send our daughter there (she did do preschool at a Christian school).

We live in a small town. Our daughter is not going to be going to some mega-school but to a small, rural school. This helps. Also, I happen to know several of the elementary school teachers and staff. They aren't evil. In fact, most of them are Christians. These are people that love kids. They aren't in it for the money, let's face it. They are good people whose goal is to educate youngsters so they can grow up to be healthy, intelligent adults.

Another thing has come up as we've fleshed this decision out. We love this community. And we want to be involved. Having a kid in school gives us the perfect opportunity to become more involved in our community - and with people who might not be Christians.

Let me be clear. We do not expect our children to be little witnesses for Christ on the playground. What we do expect is many, many opportunities as involved parents to be witnesses for Christ at PTA meetings or other school events or even birthday parties for friends.

It is inevitable that our kids will face some yucky stuff that we'd rather they didn't deal with. Foul mouths. Mean kids. Bad teachers. Wrong theories and ideas taught as fact. Other than prayer, our main weapon against this is simply being involved, informed parents. If we know that our child is studying or will study something contrary to Truth then, as parents, it's our job to teach what's right - and to allow our children to see the difference. If, in talking with our kids, we find about about some information they might have been given on the playground (you know exactly what I'm talking about!) then it's our job to correct that. The point is that we are talking with both the teachers and our kids on a regular basis so that we know what is really going on.

I've been very afraid for some time of influences in my children's lives outside of my control. I remember the first time I took Brooklyn to her Ecuadorian preschool class in Ecuador. It was the. hardest . day. in my mothering life up to that point. It was the first time I had to release the control and just allow God, who loves her more than I ever could, to take care of her. This doesn't mean bad things can't happen. It doesn't mean she'll float an inch above the ground and never stub a toe. But I can trust that God will never leave her side. Ultimately, it isn't my job to control everything - or even most things - as I care for my kids. It's God's job because these three precious girls are His, not mine. What a relief! I have got to learn to trust Him with what is already His. It's hard.

For next year, Brooklyn will go to kindergarten at our local public school. I'm nervous as heck. She's so excited she can never quit talking about it. I feel confident that it is what's best for our daughter...and even for my relationship with her. Not to mention my own sanity! Let's face it. Homeschooling, though a wonderful thing, is a burden I just can't bear right now. I've finally come to the place where I can lay my homeschooling dream to rest and acknowledge that God is definitely leading us to public school for at least the next year.

Don't doubt for a minute that I haven't second-guessed myself on this a million times already. I just keep coming back to the fact that God is in control. He's leading and I believe we're heading in the right direction. We'll be okay.